rip robin williams.

with the death of robbin williams it hit home. not just because he was a great actor. also a funny guy. .
   i loved mork and mindy. that may have been one of my first fandoms. i had a mork doll with plastic egg. i just remember being glued to the tv when he and  johnitian winters got going as gather and son.
    he struggled with depression which is something i have struggled with all my life. this feeling of never feeling good enough. never mesuring up too this line you put out that in your mind screams succsess. the problum is that line is so unrealistic. when someone subcomes to the presure to depresion hurts. someone lost tthe battle.
   he was also bipolor.. so it feels like i lost someone im my community.  this illness ties us togetheras one. . the thing about people with a illness like bipolor. we feel helpless snd hopeless. even thought we useully have a large group of people who call us friend. we tended to be very closed off. trust is something we deal out lightly. at 63 he was young. noone should take there own life ever. but its a daily battle. at 40 i fight the battle of suicide . its a monster that i belive can only be slain but the truth of jesus christ. for me thats friends who help  fight for me. its god giving me imagination outlets like doctor who or marvel comics. that shos my brain there ste better things out there.  it is a battle thst can be won.

confessions of a middle aged nerd

one of the biggest struggles i belive that people in fandom culture have is developing community.  the thing with community is that it takes time. time most people who woould call themselfs nerds would rather use watching there tv shows,working on costumes, or spending time with there collections. they do those things not only because there fun but  cause they give comfort.
when loking at community it not only needs to be with people they enjoy. who may like what they like. who can engage them in great conversation but also gives them peace. community that gives them the same feelings that watching there faviorte tv show or movie. that gives them the same gratifacation that building a costume piece or finding a rare collectable. thats what there looking for in friends. the other stuff will come.
so i belive just being a warm body is a great thing. i belive being avaliable is a part of living well.
this has been on my heart cause i live in both worlds. i want to be there for anyone. i also am one of those nerds who want community.who desier life more abundently. so i try. i put myself out more often. i try to strech myself. i encourage you to strech your self more. to love well. to be real with those close to you. to be a love nerd.

im on a mission from god part two

i love nerds and nerds culture. i feel like there is so much to learn about inclusion and enthuisam about life from most of the people i mert at cons and comic books store. i have meet some super creative people through cosplay. people who talent needs to be shared and shown. love the collecting aspect of the culture. taking old things and giving them life. 
yes there are negitive things and people in the culture. bullying tgat should not take place. shelfishness and greed that can make you ill. but i belive im calked to this community as an ambasador for the kingdom of god. to love everyone unconditionaly. so i choose to ignore the negitive and accent the positive
we are all creatiivr beings made by a creator. so i love seeing the ary and costumes that are painstakeingly made by hand for others to enjoy. i love the storirs that are told througjt comics,movies and tv. stories that point to the need and desier for love and community.
im on a mission from god. to love all,respect all and care for the needs of all. i do this by showing love to cosplayers by sharing there work. showing respect to collectors by collecting for myself. all this for the honor and love of jesus christ.

doooh

i have not wrote in a month. not because i dont want to or dont have something absolutly nrdy to say. cause i always have something to nerdy to say,always. i have not written anything because i have an issue. it can be very serious sometimes and it effects how i live. it affects my work, my art,my personal life and even my spiritual life.  so i confess i am lazy..glad i got that off my chest. i lack motivation sometimes just cause i dont want to. thats it i dont want to. i call it my being al bundy syndrom. i just want to sit watch tv and put my hand down my pants. i dont want to be botheref. kind of like homer and donuts. dont get in my way between me and my down time. oooo down time.......i cant explane it but i like sitting on my butt and do nothing. i dont have to have tv or phone. sometimes i just sit and stare at the wall. so feel like homer..ooo wall.  but i dont want to be that way. i want to be more like phinas and ferb. having something to do everyday. doing new,awsome, and exciting things everyday.  so i press forward. i try. so i know what im going to do tomorrow,you?

ballad of serinity

this has been a week. my memoir is shot to pieces. I've not Been able to remember much. or i remember the wrong thing. its part of the mediciean i take and that thing called old age.
    so Monday i forgot a important doctors appointment. it was upsetting cause i have to reschedule the appointment. just a hassle. Tuesday i drooped my car keys. i did not even check my pockets. just forgot to check. that lead into my car getting  my car stolen. shock,confusion and just anger. it was not for long but it was there. all cause i forgot.  Wednesday and Thursday were just dealing with all the stuff that needs to be done.
   by Friday i was realize I'm not going to let this get me down. i keep coming back to a song. it talks about not letting anything get you down.   the ballad of sanity from firefly tv show just resonated with me this week. it calmed me down and also refocused on the important things. faith,family and friends.  the lyrics resonate from a heart that has been hurt. that has had lost. that has had pain.

Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me.

Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me.

Leave the men where they lay
They'll never see another day
Lost my soul, lost my dream
You can't take the sky from me.

I feel the black reaching out
I hear its song without a doubt
I still hear and I still see
That you can't take the sky from me.

Lost my love, lost my land
Lost the last place I could stand
There's no place I can be
Since I've found Serenity

And you can't take the sky from me.

for me i understand. you can take my stuff,my dreams but you cant take my hope. my sky and the one who lives in that sky.

d'oh

sometimes you just dont care. you dont care to edit your mistakes.you dont care if you shower and groom.you dont even care if you eat or not. if you do eat. its junk. i think haveing a once in a while i dont care day is ok. it does something on the inside that makes you cate more the next day.
    i even have a i dont care fandom .one thhats is all about rotting my brain. im not sure it has much redeming value at all. even to the point that i feel like the main character. lazy,a little thick skulled and pure innocent in the way a pig is innocent of his upcoming death and subsequental main course goal.
     who is this moron i trun in to. homer simpsion of course. when im in a dont give a heck mood i trun to the simpsions. ig its there over the top city building game,tapped out. which is a total waste of time. or a shot to the arm episode of homer being homer. like i said i even can feel like homer. donuts and beer or any other horrible unhealthy food.
     i think a little homer is ok. he is lovable and sometimes get his job done.

hail hydra

    one of the things that has been pointed out to me a couple of times by a couple of people is the duality of nerd culture. on one hand there is the out right rule of consumerism. everything in nerd culture is a product. that be a movie, a collectible a comic or a convention. its all about putting money in someones pocket. the good is the consuming  of what you as a nerd love and cherish. the negative is that kind of consumerism leaves fandoms flat and  void of good content. it also leaves people with a strange sense of blindly following cause the only way there  going to get  what  they want to  to follow blindly.
    community is the opposite  of  that idea. its about quality over quantity. more about  who your with than what you consuming. living your life out  with others a lot like you doing things you all love. playing games or watching a TV show. more that just consuming, you end up discussing  what your watching. laughing  over a bad game move. or getting lost in conversation. you tend  to beat consumerism with each other . like a super hero team beating a cold heart
ed organisation that has infiltrated society under our noses and  is starting  to rise up and take over.
    kind of sounds like agents of shield trying to defeat Hyder. they came out of no where and had a upper hand in slowly breaking down society. the agents were caught of guard., felt betrayed  but stuck together and won. had some loses but  won. that's life. we have this nerd community that is holding us up. bad things might happen  but  we are proud to stand side by side with our friends and our fandom.

i heart will wheaton

      I have to admit. i am in love with will wheaton. i think is is an awesome actor. we  may not have the political and religious ideas but what  he has  done for sci-fi and  nerd culture is something that is amazing. from standing up for  all  of us nerds  who have been bulled and letting all know being super into some thing is not a unhealthy obsession always but a coping mechanism and a healthy outlet. i  beloved that. all these fandoms  are just  healthy outlets for things  like depression, bulling, anxiety and hate.  that's  not a  bad thing. for being a weird ,awkward  smart kid myself, i always identified with Wesley crusher. the kid who always saved the day. was really an odd ball but somehow cool  as  all get out. the fact he ended up as a cool time traveler who could save the world was also awesome. that was amazing for me. cause if  your smart and awkward, like i was,you may end up being special. that's a great thought to have and such an encouriging word  to live by.. it does not matter who you are but who your becoming.
       then there's the opposite of Wesley that's Dr. Issac parish from eureka. he was smart  but kind of a butt-head at  times. he had a good heart but he let his head get ahead of that sometimes. it  go him in trouble and direct competition with Fargo. i think that show that intelligence is not everything. but where i love will , yes were on a first name basis, is his love for nerds. he is a board game fanatic. that desire to play games with others nerds has started nerd community. nerds wanting to get together with each other and play games. enjoy each others company. breaking the stereotype that all nerds are loners and antisocial. that is so  not true. so go find nerds like you, go love on your fellow nerds and be apart of a greater community.. as will himself..play more games

shepards advice

if you don't know firefly then first I'm sorry. its such a good show. amazing really. Shepard book is a minster in the ship serenity. he gives great advice. like this..

Book: It’s not about making sense. It’s about believing in something, and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It’s about faith. You don’t fix faith, River. It fixes you.
   what a powerful statement and so true. you can't fix faith. god and belief is something that cant be controlled. we cant make our self believe. as hard as i have tried i cant believe the good girl will come along.Ive tried hard. or more serenely try to fix someones unbelief. faith has a way of working itself out.
    river was a broken person.you know she wanted to be fixed. Simon tried and so did most of the firefly crew. the only way that was going to happen is believing that eventually it would happen. not forcing or making it happen but just thought time it will happen.
   that's hard to do. so very hard to do. Shepard book has great advice. let it work out, allow faith to do its job and fix itself

zombie brain

     sometimes ideas just don't come. the brain is kind of like a zombie. it has no desire to do anything but consume. we want it to produce,. we want ideas to flow like blood after a games of throne wedding. producing is good. we feel productive. we  feel useful. its nice when ideas just  run and  run. but today i am pushing them out like i have a internal tummy issue.

      so back to  the zombie brain.. to  day its just screaming. consume, consume. it wants t.v and movies and such. so why cant i give in. is it not OK to consume a little. you have to eat, that's consume and drink is consuming to. but  when it  comes to zombie brains. we fear that if  we consume to much. we will become useless. i guess that con happen just like  become fat or water logged. so there's a balance in all the 6 episodes  of star wars and getting that home project done. both are  good for you. yes over productiveness can hurt you to.. so no marathon braining  for me yet but fighting the zombie brain.

13 changes

     anything about relationships of any type can suck. its hard to be honest and real. its hard to be truthful how you feel about people. it sometimes takes years for truth to happen in your life with other people in it.
      so here we come to my main man peter latemer from wearhouse 13. a show we said goodbye to this week. which makes my heart so sad. the rnd of agents peter,micha,Arte and Claudia chasing strange historical objects to save the world. like micha said "the worlds most dangerous antique road show." which it was. peter, he was something awesome. a wonderful example of how a man can go from stubborn,sometimes foolish and did i say stubborn. to a man who struggled with life,love,danger and relationships. yes relationships, he had many but what started out as a uneasy partnership turned into a friendship which turned in to love. he fought it hard. he covered it with his strange job. he fought it tooth and nail. getting wammyed by strange artifacts along the way.
     why fight , why resist because it was easier that way. we all resisted change and resist becoming something more. for me its focusing on me. that's hard. i fight it hard. i need people to lift me up and love me not a lady to distract me. for me that's where I'm going. no dating all friendships. its the opposite of peter. but still very hard to resist. the need for a person to complete you. someone to make you better. unfortunately it does not work that way.  we need to be secure in self. that's part of the journey I'm on
      change its hard.ill probably get wammyed along the way. it Will hurt. that's why you have others. these are people on this journey who will come and go. some stay longer than others. you need them but you need you to.

freaky,freaky,freakshow

  i love the weird,wild, and wacky,always have. there's something about people who are different, that makes me smile. that may include a special talent or ability that seems to be way out there. you know, people who swallow fire,juggle,or stick metal in there face. then there's the so called freaks. people born with genetic disabilities and tjen chage it to a unique ability.then use that ability to better them self. it truly amazes me that god did that. he has a wicked sense of humor. a fun, hey look what i just did, sense of humor.
    so this brings me to the amc show freak show. its about the last permanent carnival style side show. its located in Venus beach California. it is where people who are these so called freaks come together with their special stuff to make people smile and gasp a little. its a great show about the human spirit.how all people have the right to be treated with respect,dignity and love. all people have a purpose. this show impresses me so much. it shows human emotion of every spectrum. from heart felt moments of clarity to gasp of pure amazement.
     i believe god wants us to experience a wide range of emotions. that emotions being spent on his creations. sometimes tears sometimes experiencing all the crazy he created. amazed that he cared us so different. there ae no mistakes in his creation. no matter how weird it looks. how out there someone is. he created that.that was his imagination.

i'm on a mission from god

      "everybody needs somebody to love, cause i need you, you ,you"
         o, the blues brothers rock my face. especially the first one. great music, great laugh and some great car chases. every movie needs a great car chase. blues brothers is one of those movies that makes me happy. there seems to be another meaning in that movie for me because even though Jake and Elwood seem to have alternative motives they are truly on a mission form  god  to love. they try to love everyone they meet. not always successful and sometimes money and the stage get in the way. yes they  may be misguide. but who  of  us are not a little misguided in our search  for truth and our own mission  from  god.
        we get messed up in loving people sometimes.  we judge and try to fix  those  god  can only fix. we let our baggage get in the way. poor Jake  and  his ex. we may not have someone out to kill us but we do have things trying to get us of our mission. for them it was loving on those orphans  because  it was  where they grew up. we have missions. some of us its loving on orphans. others its loving on nerds like mine. i  want all nerds to  feel loved and wanted. even if there mission is a little messed up  it its ways  of  being put together but the heart  and motivaton is right. all it takes is
being loved and  having a community means  so much.

nerd love loves nerds

  i love all things nerdy. tv,movies,music,comics..the list can go on forever. these things can make me so happy. not the permenet happy but the take away the blues happy.
    i love going to cons. for younon nerds thats a big gathering of like minded individuals gather. they dress up like batman and giants bunnies. by the way the giant bunnies scare me.  these events and the things that they love are awsome.
     i also love nerds. i love hthe excitment and joythey have. i love that they see meaning and hope in their obsesions. i want them to be loved and honored. because alot of us can get lonley.by the way i am a nerd. we need people like others do i want to let all to know how awsoe nerds are. its not a bad word. its a great word.